Her

Become the you that she will meet some day.  I wrote that on my mirror a few weeks ago.  As I’ve woken up to the phrase day after day, I started to wonder if it was what I truly believed.  Should I not become the better person for myself?  Why, instead, am I aiming to better myself for a future woman that I have yet to meet?  The idea has consumed me for many days.  Not because I find it confusing.  No.  This isn’t confusing.  I know full well that I prefer to better myself for her than for me.

I do want to become the person that she will meet.  I want to be a good person.  I want to compliment her.  I want to make her laugh.  I want to be interesting.  I want to be able to hold a conversation with her—from the petty to the deepest topics.  To me, these goals make me that better person I hope to become.  I do not know how to put up goals like this if it is only for me.  I need it to be for that elusive her.   I may not understand why I work this way.  I may not be able to communicate why I work this way.  The thing is, she will understand.

There is plenty about myself that I know I need to work on.  Working on bettering yourself can be immensely lonely.  I often bask in the sense of melancholy that such a task creates.  This is different.  As I wake up to this simple phrase on my mirror day after day, I find that the melancholy is fleeting.  I am not lonely as I was before.  Even though I have not met her; even though she is not by my side; I know that she will be.  One day.

With my elusive wife fluttering like a ghost over my shoulder, many tasks feel easier.  I put effort into making myself look good.  I find conversations with strangers easier.  I don’t get caught up in the bog of the day as often.  I know what I want to do with my days.  The knowledge that she is with me is surprisingly liberating.  I know one day, she will manifest in the form of someone I could hardly imagine.  What a great day that will be.

And if she doesn’t?  The lonely days might return, but this feeling will not stutter.  Can it be that I have fallen in love with the idea of falling in love?  I certain hope so.  I’ve bowed down before the stench that is fear.  The fear of love is the greatest cause of emotional pain I know.  I will not be its slave evermore.  I am free.  With her by my side, I am free.  All I can do now is continue to better myself and carry on with my life.  I just want to let you know:

I can’t wait to meet you.

 

Read next personal story: Jaccob: Year Six

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